Next month I will be leaving one decade behind and entering a new one. While I’m not really scared of turning 30, I have been very aware lately that my life has not at all turned out how I thought it would. I never dreamed I would reach my 30s as a single. The past year in particular has been a roller coaster of ups and downs in my desires and wants. In some instances, I have been completely content and satisfied with my singleness. I’ve even had moments where I solely desired and wanted to be single. But, I’ve also had the overwhelming moments of longing for a husband. Recently, that desire has only gotten stronger. I’ve grown in my understanding of what a godly marriage really is and it’s only made me desire it that much more.
But, I’m still very single.
I do believe the Lord is sovereign. I know he is in control of all things and has a specific purpose and plan for my life. But, I have been battling confusion and doubt and wondering what his plan really is. The past couple of months have been particularly difficult. I know I can be extremely cynical and critical and negative and I have been fighting it daily. I want to trust. I want to be patient. I want to exhibit grace and understanding. But, it can be downright exhausting.
I was reminded today of a post I wrote for CBMW almost exactly a year ago. Often times our lives don’t go exactly how we plan or expect. In fact, life can turn out to be the exact opposite of what we originally wanted. I’ve had to learn the difference between my will and God’s will. I’ve had to learn how to trust God’s goodness and sovereignty even when I don’t understand it. He is good. He is faithful. Even when I may not believe it at every moment. Lately, I admit, I’ve been lacking in belief (while simultaneously fighting it). I know that He remains faithful even when I’m unsure of it. My feelings or circumstances do not change who he is and that is extremely encouraging to me.
So, I may still be single at 30 and I’m sure I’ll continue to have my struggles with this reality. But, I also choose to trust the Lord and his plan for my life. I choose to see my singleness as a blessing and as a gift. I am comforted in knowing he is able to use me in whatever age or stage I find myself. No matter where we are in life, he has a purpose. But, first, we must relinquish our control and surrender it to him.
Here is my original post for CBMW: